Dance Show

Last Sunday was my dance school's yearly performance. We have little ones now and again but this is the big one!

2012 Round Up

Well, the world didn't end in 2012, so here's hoping we can make a better one starting in 2013!

My 2012 Round Up!

2011 Round Up

I think this will be short as not much has happened this year, still it's better than huge bad events!

January

Started the year of with a visit to a shrine.

We had snow in my city!

Went to Tokyo and got my hair set for the first time.

February

Went to Tokyo again! Went to the Alice cafe finally and had a first date with a nice guy.

Started my purikura blog. 

March

Tohoku earthquake. Finished work at my old job. Went to Osaka for my birthday but had a lousy day.

April

Started my new job. Was sort of dating two guys. Went to hanami. Went on a gokon that was mostly married men! Was asked to start the nail art class when my teacher was late. Went to a Men’s Egg Night.

May

Went to Tokyo for GW. Saw Verbal from m-flo in a club in my city. Did face-painting for an event at work. 

July - Went to Nagoya for the weekend.

Bunkasai.

Finally got aircon. The guy from Tokyo came to see me in my city. Went to the UK.

August

Spent time at home catching up with my family.

Went to Tokyo again. 

Masuwaka Tsubasa replied to one of my tweets!

September

Went to camp with work and hated it.  Typhoon hit my city, but not much damage.

October

Mel came to Hama.The kids did an English play at work, prep was a nightmare but somehow it worked out.

 

November

Went to the Nail Expo in Tokyo.Started a dance class. My students went on homestay to Australia. My purikura blog was spotlighted on a bigger blog.

December

Bonenkais. Kanjani8 concert in Osaka.  Winter vacation.

That's it really... that's quite depressing that I have so little to show for a year! Especially as I was reading back my old journal and I have EXACTLY the same worries and thoughts as a year ago. I could literally copy and paste old entries to now. Still as I said, no big events is better than the big bad stuff from the last couple of years! I’ve had a lot of little fun times this year.

Kindergarten

Today I went to kindergarten as my students were spending the day there reading books to the little kids and playing.

We just had to watch but even that was tiring! The kids were mostly free to play anyway they wanted which had us teachers talking about free schooling and unschooling. I can see the merits in it and I think I'd consider it if it were more mainstream.

Still it's probably a moot point as time is ticking away! The kindergarteners kept asking me whose mother I was. One of the other teachers said that we were probably older than a lot of the parents.

Then I realised that if I'd had kids at the same age as my father did, I could be *my* students' mother! (O_o)

Anyway, let's completely forget about that and look at the cute rain boots...

Japanese Earthquake/Tsunami/Radiation Leak

My area of Japan is almost completely unaffected. We get our power from somewhere further west so we aren't even part of the rolling blackouts here. It's eerily normal although there is a somewhat subdued atmosphere in town, unless I'm projecting that.

I am grateful if guilty that my area is ok. I'm also grateful for strict building codes that probably saved thousands of lives in the areas affected.

The thing that is really scaring me at the moment is the possibility of meltdown at Fukushima. I grew up next to a nuclear power plant, most of my family has worked there at one point or another so I know that in general it's pretty safe and well-regulated. But I also know what can happen when radiation gets out, we all do. I'm not sure what my stance on nuclear power in general is any more, but I do think that countries which have a high risk of natural disaster may want to re-think their nuclear stance.

There was a fire at Sellafield (then Windscale) in 1957, it's Britian's worst nuclear accident. My mother was three months old and was outside in her pram when she was covered in radioactive ash. I believe she remains the youngest person in Britain to have had a full radiation scan. And she is one of the healthiest people I know. And I know that little is known about exactly what radiation does and I know that news reports (even the most reliable ones) need to grab headlines. "Radiation leak - all fine" wouldn't really get you clicking would it?

Still, we are brought up in a culture of fear, and radiation is one of those. It's not something we can see, it's hardly something we can run from, and it's not likely to turn us into cool X-Men mutants.

I think this whole thing is freaking me out more than I was aware. I thought I was fine until I was watching a DVD and a plane flew over a little closer than normal. Luckily I wasn't alone so I calmed down a bit but I hadn't realised I was so on edge about another quake coming. Especially as my area is due a big one. I'm carrying my passport around with me now.

I'm not sure this entry is very cohesive but my head's a bit jumbled up right now. You'd think I'd be used to crises considering everything but there we go. Half of me is calm, half is freaking out!

Simple Is Best!

The title of this post is somehow a saying in Japan, in English.

I've been trying to get my digital things organised, I got a new computer in the summer and I still haven't got around to copying everything over neatly yet!

I've also got a lot of online/sns sites that I use haphazardly for different purposes. So I decided to try and get things organised somehow and spent time researching different websites and programs that help you out. But I don't really want to sign up for another account. I want less!

So I went right back to basics and went through all the sign-up emails and have listed out everything (I think!) that I'm signed up to, along with password hints and how things are conected to each other. Flickr uses my yahoo email, for example. Then I added a final column for "Use". It seems a little too organised but it's helping me sort things out!

Mostly I have things clearly defined now, except for this blog and Tumblr. I think the reason I blog less on this is because I don't really know what it covers now! Once I can get a definition clear then I'll know what kind of blog I have.

Anyway, the main point I wanted to make was that I didn't need any fancy system, new software or a new account on yet another website. I just needed the simplest tools that I already have on my computer. A spreadsheet and a word processing program. It didn't even need to be Office, anything would have done.

I know that simple is better than complicated, but it's hard to remember sometimes. Especially when you get caught up in the excitement of the new, shiny things.

Hmm.. perhaps I need to carry this over into shopping as well...

Totem Animal

So one of the things I wanted to do last year was find a totem animal. I spent an afternoon of vacation playing around with different ideas.

I decided I wanted a bird because of the freedom of flight and the speed that I like when riding my bike. I also wanted something strong and powerful because that's what I'd like to be/am becoming.

So I started looking at lists of birds of prey. But nothing jumped out. I was thinking I wanted something magical as well so I was all set to go to mythical creatures when I decided to have a look at British birds of prey, me being British and all and then one name stood out...

Merlin


Merlin! A freaking wizard! So I read on and I discover that they are fast and agile, resourceful, sometimes hunt with their breeding partners and are very unafraid and have been recorded trying to catch cars and trains.

Let's think about that...this not-huge bird will see a great big train and think "I'll have that, thank you very much" and just goes for it!

So yep, I think I've found my totem animal. Hope it brings me good fortune for this year!

Validation

Recently I was sent a link to a wonderful short film featuring TJ Thyne as a parking attendant who gives people actual validation along with their parking validation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Just watching it restores a little of your faith in humanity. I think that so many people walk around without feeling validated and it can be so draining.

I've had more than one loss this year and yet I was keeping a strong face on it and I am still trying so very hard not to fall apart. I posted on my online women's circle my whole story for the first time, and I got such wonderful replies of love and support.

Just writing my story down took a little of the burden off my self. And when people replied with sympathy it validated my pain. I'd been trying to get rid of it, be strong, keep calm and carry on and all that. And now I'm seeing that yes, I have actually been through a lot and yes, it's ok to look after myself now and yes my pain is real.

I'm not near dealing with it yet but I'm on the right road. And all it took to get started was validation from some incredibly kind people.

It makes me want to pass it forward and validate someone else, either by helping with their pain or by telling them how wonderful they really are like Hugh Newman in the film.

Perhaps we're not comfortable with doing this to the extent of Hugh Newman but think about the people in your life right now. What makes them special? What do they need to hear to feel loved and validated? And can you say it to them?

Getting Back On Track

This year (actually the past two years) has contained a few big setbacks and life interruptions for me. I know I need to get back on track so this post is my process. (Or ideas bubbling in my Cauldron)

It's meant that any kind of regular schedule, any studying, any progress to goals, any routine has been disrupted completely every few months. It's making me feel like I'm climbing a mountain covered in gravel and everytime I get a bit farther up I just slip and slide back down further than last time.

I've a ton of unfinished projects hanging over me, which makes me feel stressed, and I'm not looking forward to doing them even though they should be fun, I'm just wanting to knock them off my list now.

My apartment is a mess because everytime I feel out of control I attempt to rearrange everything but I get disheartened and give up. So I've things yet to find a home for all over the floor and bags of things to be taken to a recycle shop (difficult to get to when you've no car). I like things to be tidy so this stresses me out and my home is not the sanctuary I need.

I know my health is at the lowest it's been for a long time due to poor diet, no excercise and lack of sleep.

My studying is so broken I've not even applied for the December test because it would be too heart-breaking to fail something that's far below the level I should be by now.

That's how I'm feeling today so I think I need to figure out some kind of plan of action to get back on track (even though the Blue Witch in my head is saying that I shouldn't bother because something else will just come up)

Plan of Attack
1. The Apartment
This is the most important thing. I need to get things I don't want out of the place, and the things I do want need a home. I also need to address the Ninja who lives under my sink and keeps messing things up when I'm out.

2. Studying
I need to get into the habit of studying each day. At the moment there are three seperate things I'm doing. I can put two on hold until I get the main one to be a habit.

3. The Computer
I got a new computer and as of now I don't know too much about how it works (Win7) and all my stuff is just dumped into a "To Be Sorted Out" folder on the desktop.

3. Unfinished projects
I need to make a list, but I need to make it a shiny-magic list not a To-Doom List. Maybe I'll make a special page for it on here...

The main thing I need to remember is not to get overwhelmed or disheartened. And just keep going. That's all I really can do at the moment!

Back from the Magical Mystery Tour

Which occured in Liverpool, where there really is a Magical Mystery Tour. I didn't have time for it though. I didn't have time to go on the Ferry cross the Mersey either. I did make it to Penny Lane and Anfield one Saturday afternoon, and went to the cinema once. Apart from that it was study study study, which paid off as I received my results yesterday and not only did I pass but I got a grade B! According to Wikipedia "As of 2000, worldwide 5% of trainees withdrew before completing the course, 3% failed, 63% received a pass, 25% received a grade of B, and 4% received a grade of A."
I'm quite happy with that! I think that may have been the most I've ever worked for something academically. It was a good feeling but I wouldn't want to keep up that pace long-term. When I got back I had to go straight back to work with tiredness from the course, jet-lag and having to deal with being back in 35 degree heat. I'm still recovering I think!

I do feel more confident in my own abilities now. Especially some of the points I was told were higher than standard. I know this confidence is shaky and a bad class might bring it down, but I'll have my piece of paper to look at in those times!

Magical Mystery Tour

This is what I'm calling my summer away to make it a little more acceptable. I'm looking forward to a magical mystery tour more than I would be to "Summer Intensive Teacher Training" ;)

Basically, I fell into the job I have now. I absolutely love it and I think that I'm good at it but there's a chance I may be out of work in March. So in case that happens and to get some formal training, I'm going back to the motherland for a month-long intensive course.

I'm kind of looking forward to learning, and studying, and finding out if I really am on the right path or if I'm completely lost in the trees. Though it's a little bit of an expensive way to find out this is the wrong path for me...

I just don't like this intensive aspect! I'm not too good at focusing on one thing for a long time, and I very much like my own time.

Fears:
I'm afraid I will be bad at the course even though I technically might be the most experienced.

I'm afraid that I'll get burned-out and do badly.

I'm afraid I'll fail just because I'm no good.

I'm afraid that if I have good ideas other people will copy from me and get better marks.

I'm afraid I'll hate the actual job part of the training, and then where does that leave me?

Stress coping strategies
5 minute morning yoga
Meditations on my iPhone
breathing techniques
a happy-song playlist
a chill-out song playlist
5 mins journalling at the end of the day

I will be keeping off the internet as much as I can unless it's for research so I will probably be back on this blog (my safe place) in September all newly-qualified!

Have a magical summer!

Forgetting To Worry

I'm having breakfast on the second day of my Tokyo weekend trip. I had a really fun day yesterday, met someone new, talked to a stranger, met a friend and went to a concert.

I had consciously decided not to worry about anything on this trip. I've not been checking train times, just showing up, so I'm not worried about missing a train. And you know what? Every time I've got to a platform the train arrives for me!

Thing is, I realised at one point that I had a nagging feeling I was forgetting something. You know that "Did I leave the gas on?" feeling. Then I realised what it was. I was forgetting to worry!

I've always been a worrier, I get it from my dad. And I do have some big worries/changes/unknowns in my close future.

I've been worried about my future so much since April this year that I literally couldn't understand how other people were functioning. And it was sending me into a really depressed state where I was losing hope of ever feeling differently.

So now, on this trip, where I have nothing to worry about, it feels like something is missing. I've had this sense if despair for so long that it's a bit weird not to have it.

It feels so good to be just going with the flow and not stressing over things. Now I know how other people are living and how they can laugh.

I only hope I can keep this when I return to my regular life on Tuesday!

Lessons From My Suitcase

I'm on the train on a weekend trip to Tokyo which I am determined to enjoy and not regret the past or worry about the future for at least these three days.

Anyway, I have new-to-me little suitcase that I bought at a carboot sale in the UK. It's perfect for weekend trips and fits in the plane as carry-on. It's a little wheely one.

It's a great size but it turns out that it only rolls well on smooth surfaces, as soon as things get a bit rough it goes all wobbly and falls over. I had to keep stopping to let it settle then carry on, and when I got to a really rough patch I had to carry the little suitcase til things got better.

I hope you can see where I'm going with this!

Lessons learned from my little suitcase:

1. We can all function well when the going is easy, but we have different levels of what is rough.

2. When things get rough it's very easy to let everything get unbalanced.

3. When things seem like they are becoming unbalanced, take a little rest, get yourself right, and carry on.

4. When things get really rough, it's ok to ask for someone to carry you through

5. Don't give up! Even when things are rough, and you need a carry, you're not useless! And things will get smooth again soon!

2010 Creating Your Goddess Year: Check In Post

2009 was a difficult year. It contained the second hardest goodbye of my life. That relationship left me drained, feeling unworthy and took a huge hit to my self-esteem that I haven't recovered from yet. The goodbye started in March and didn't really end until a final phone call on New Year's Eve.

After that, I decided I needed to do something, but I didn't know what. My life had effectively been on hold for that relationship, my creativity was non-existent and my health and energy levels were low. I had been found Goddess Leonie's blog at some point late in the year, and decided to take the plunge and buy her Creating Your Goddess Year workbook as well as joining her Creative Goddess Course. I have to say both were fantastic! The creative course really got me to play with different methods and different ideas. I now have a creativity corner in my apartment with a bookshelf that is now full of supplies! I even bought a guitar which had been a long-held dream of mine firmly put in the "You can't do anything well so don't try" drawer.

The workbook was so so so pretty and colourful! I love filling in worksheets so it was perfect for me. There were a couple of pages that didn't sing to me so I left them alone but printed the rest and put them in a special binder.

Here's a check in as to how I'm doing half-way through 2010.

Unfortuately in April 2010 I lost my younger brother. He was only 26 years old. This is the hardest goodbye of my life, because I can't say it. I still feel as though I'm in shock and may never quite deal with this properly. I don't want to go more into it yet. But I feel that again my life is on hold. For two years I've watched people grow, change, study, graduate, marry and become parents. I feel exactly the same as I did in the summer of 2008.

Anyway, I wrote that I wanted to let go of worry, feelings of worthlesness, and that "I can't do anything well so I won't try" feeling. Well, I was heading towards a better place but now have a huge set-back. I just can't get angry at myself for this, I must let myself feel the feelings I have.

My word of the year was to be "Learn". I had planned to take a kanji test in June, attend English teachers training over the summer, a Japanese test in December and to learn the guitar and about designing in more detail. I am leaving for the UK next week to study for the summer. I hope to be able to take the kanji and Japanese tests at the end of the year. I picked up the guitar again last month. My brother used to play so it feels nice that I can carry on. I think I'm afraid to learn more about designing. I love my postcards but again this comes back to "You can't do anything well so give up already"

All in all I'm not where I wanted to be this time 2010, I'm not really where I wanted to be this time 2009 either. Two major events have shook me to my core. But I have to hope it's going to be alright, and even if I lose my job, home, and have to move cities (countries??) next year I'll get through it. I just kinda wish the universe was done with these Terrible Things That Will Make You A Better Person. I'm tired now, can't I just have a shallow and easy life for a while? Please?

Themes

I love themes. I was writing up new stuff for my about page (which needs some graphics I think) and I was thinking about the fact that I love themes. Here's some ways themes fit into my life...

Sometimes I want to just keep creating new blogs so I can play with the themes! Maybe getting into html properly would let me play with other people's themes more... Anyway, I used to love changing my theme when I blogged on Livejournal, especially thinking of different ways to say "Leave a comment". I think my favourite was when I had a Clockwork Orange sort of theme (Orange!) and it said "Viddy well?" and the comments were counted as "2 droogs".

For my 21st birthday party I had a movie character theme, everyone looked great! I was Satine from Moulin Rouge, but I didn't get any good pictures of my costume :( For my 23rd we had a pirate theme and the Cat, the Penguin and I still refer to ourselves by our Pirate rank and talk about our Pirate Ship the Kurui-Zaru Maru (Crazy Monkey). I was Captain as it was my birthday.

I love the way manga volumes look on shelves because they are all nicely matched by their covers (and all the same size!). Odd shaped books annoy me somewhat. DVD boxsets are joy in matching themed form!

I love themed restaurants! There's a 100% Chocolate Cafe in Tokyo that is great and I'm dying to go to the Alice themed restaurant but can't seem to ever fit it in to a trip!

I and my two best friends the Cat and the Penguin went to Las Vegas once - a whole city of themes!! We stayed at the Luxor, and I loved just walking up and down the strip.

I love the witchy theme I have for this blog. I've decided that the place where my ideas bubble away will be the Cauldron. The network of blogs I love will either be the Spider's Web or the Cobweb. I just need a name for the page where I will put up my designs. Gallery is not themed enough (and also sounds pretentious - yuk!) Any ideas?

My Cousin is a Clown

Actually, my mam's cousin is a clown. Or my mam's second cousin or something.

Anyway, he's a proper clown. Not a scary one though (What do you mean?? All clowns are scary!!). He is retired and is a part-time clown to raise money for the town Children's Hospital and to cheer up the kids. He gave me his business card and it has his picture on the back in full clown get-up.

While I was home a few weeks ago, he and his wife were visiting my uncle. I was there before I flew back so we went to Stonehenge.

I went to Stonehenge with a clown.

There's not really a point to this post other than that, because other than me and mine, who can legitimately say "I've been to Stonehenge with a clown."?

Of course the other people there didn't realise that they too were in the presence of a clown because he was disguised as a people...but then...what if the other peoples were in disguise too? What if Stonehenge was chock-a-block full of clowns and pirates and witches that day?... maybe the world is a bit more magical than we can really see...

Find myself? Where did I lose me?

There are about 89,900,000 results on Google for "find yourself". It's a common enough idea, It's what I thought I was doing when I went back-packing after university.

I found Australia, New Zealand and South East Asia, I found a plane and jumped out of it and a cliff and jumped off that. I found a friend from Japan which is how I ended up living here for the past six years. I also found that I do like home comforts like running water and a cosy bed. And that carrier bags are the most annoying things to have in a room where other people are sleeping.

Did I find myself, though?

I think I changed on that trip. I learned that I could do exactly what I wanted, for me. When I found that I had more money than my friends did and they needed to go fruit picking I decided to go to New Zealand alone instead. Scary biscuits. But I don't think I found myself. It's like I was expecting to have a moment where I realised "Ooh, there I am! Now everything will fall into place!"

I kept on changing. After I came to Japan, I became more group-minded. I wanted to do the best for the group as well as for the individual. That still causes some conflicts in me. I met more people with their own selves and incorporated some of them into me. I learned a second language and I think thinking in another language has to affect the way you think.

When speaking Japanese, it's perfectly acceptable to say "the me of last year" or "the me of the future". I think the concept of self is more fluid here. People know that you will change. Maybe it goes back to the buddhist zen idea or maybe it's to do with your "outside face" and your "inside face"

I was sort of thinking that I was pretty much who I was going to be a year or so ago, but as I'm reading new blogs and trying new things I'm still adjusting.

Recently my younger brother died. That was a huge blow and I'm not ready to write about him too much yet. But that changed me again. It also ended a fledgling relationship because I'm not the same person I was three months ago.

I used to think that because I changed I was flaky or shallow but now I realise that that's normal. Our sense of self is influenced by things that happen, by those we meet, even by books, movies, blogs and Twitter.

There's a quote on a blog that I've been reading:

Life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.
Free Spirit Knits

I like that to a point but I think life is about noticing yourself. Nothing big or major that needs to involve being silent for three months on a barefoot trip to the mountains. Just you, right now. You are made up of every experience you've ever had. And you're not going to stop experiencing things now, are you?