2009 was a difficult year. It contained the second hardest goodbye of my life. That relationship left me drained, feeling unworthy and took a huge hit to my self-esteem that I haven't recovered from yet. The goodbye started in March and didn't really end until a final phone call on New Year's Eve.
After that, I decided I needed to do something, but I didn't know what. My life had effectively been on hold for that relationship, my creativity was non-existent and my health and energy levels were low. I had been found Goddess Leonie's blog at some point late in the year, and decided to take the plunge and buy her Creating Your Goddess Year workbook as well as joining her Creative Goddess Course. I have to say both were fantastic! The creative course really got me to play with different methods and different ideas. I now have a creativity corner in my apartment with a bookshelf that is now full of supplies! I even bought a guitar which had been a long-held dream of mine firmly put in the "You can't do anything well so don't try" drawer.
The workbook was so so so pretty and colourful! I love filling in worksheets so it was perfect for me. There were a couple of pages that didn't sing to me so I left them alone but printed the rest and put them in a special binder.
Here's a check in as to how I'm doing half-way through 2010.
Unfortuately in April 2010 I lost my younger brother. He was only 26 years old. This is the hardest goodbye of my life, because I can't say it. I still feel as though I'm in shock and may never quite deal with this properly. I don't want to go more into it yet. But I feel that again my life is on hold. For two years I've watched people grow, change, study, graduate, marry and become parents. I feel exactly the same as I did in the summer of 2008.
Anyway, I wrote that I wanted to let go of worry, feelings of worthlesness, and that "I can't do anything well so I won't try" feeling. Well, I was heading towards a better place but now have a huge set-back. I just can't get angry at myself for this, I must let myself feel the feelings I have.
My word of the year was to be "Learn". I had planned to take a kanji test in June, attend English teachers training over the summer, a Japanese test in December and to learn the guitar and about designing in more detail. I am leaving for the UK next week to study for the summer. I hope to be able to take the kanji and Japanese tests at the end of the year. I picked up the guitar again last month. My brother used to play so it feels nice that I can carry on. I think I'm afraid to learn more about designing. I love my postcards but again this comes back to "You can't do anything well so give up already"
All in all I'm not where I wanted to be this time 2010, I'm not really where I wanted to be this time 2009 either. Two major events have shook me to my core. But I have to hope it's going to be alright, and even if I lose my job, home, and have to move cities (countries??) next year I'll get through it. I just kinda wish the universe was done with these Terrible Things That Will Make You A Better Person. I'm tired now, can't I just have a shallow and easy life for a while? Please?
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